Three's Company: A Girl's Guide to Threesomes

By Kitty Stryker

Threesomes are one of those intriguing things that seem to be at the forefront of sexual bucket lists for people, whether it be in the fantasies of lad mag-lovin’ men, the bitter reality of couples seeking that unicorn third (the unicorn being a hot bi babe that puts out), or of course girls like me who think if one cock is good, two is even better. There’s that memorable threesome with the guys in Shortbus, and the L Word has more than one in the series- everyone’s getting in on the action, and have been for a while!

But honestly, it’s hard enough getting ONE person into bed and figuring out their turn ons and turn offs, what positions work for your bodies, and how to be truly present. Adding another person may seem like madness- and frankly, it can be complicated. You need to be really in touch with yourself and what you hope to get out of the experience, and be able to tactfully make sure everyone else is on board. Threesomes are pretty easy to fuck up, and if you don’t do some soul searching and communicating ahead of time, you’ll have two people angry, not one! So listen up. And remember- these are just tips from my experience, they may serve you, they may not. It’s a place to start.

Why Three?

First major thing to ask yourself (and your partner, if you have one) is why do you want to play with three people, and what’re your intentions? Do you want it to be a one time thing? Do you want to see what it’s like? Do you want a regular booty call? Do you want a casual relationship? Do you want a serious relationship? Do you want a triad situation, or to be the pivot point between two other people, or to be one of the people attached to a pivot point? This will give you an idea on what sort of person to look for to ask into your bed. For example, the kind of boy I’d want to invite to play with my lover and I for a one time deal doesn’t have to be someone I want to talk to the next day, but if I wanted another boyfriend I’d have different expectations and desires.

What Three?

Then of course a question to ask is what sort of threesome are you looking for? Obviously, I’m not the best person to talk to about BBB threesomes, but I’ll give you my rundown of the pluses and pitfalls of the other three.

Note: if you are a cismale, and you want your girlfriend to entertain the idea of a threesome with another girl, it’s only fair if you offer her the chance to be the meat in a boy sandwich. Just saying.

GGB- The girls, pretty much under every imaginable circumstance, have to get on as friends at LEAST and it’s preferable if they want to jump each other’s bones regardless of the guy being in the room or not. I will be honest- I have not heard of a threesome involving a couple where the guy picked the girl, the two girls focused on the guy, and this didn’t end in pain and tears. It is drama city, believe me. It works out much better if the two girls go at it and the boy sits on the sidelines some of the time. That scenario where the guy and girl fuck and girl #2 just sits aside and makes o faces while she masturbates? I’m sure it’s happened outside of porn, but I don’t recommend it unless you’ve specifically negotiated that scenario and/or hired the other girl (and more on hiring a sex worker for threesomes later).

As a girl joining a couple, this is fun and fine if you’re ok with the lack of responsibility and emotion that comes from being a living sex toy… which is usually your function. In fact, I would say have “living sex toy” as your base expectation. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not dissing that at all- in fact that’s what I loved about threesomes for a long time!- but if you expect to be treated as a lover you might feel disappointed, depending on what the negotiations indicated.

Also? Meet the girl from the couple individually for coffee or a pint first and double check what she likes, flirt with her more, play with her more. Her happiness = your pleasure = less headaches all around.

BBG- Ok, I’m going to be honest- in my experience, this is generally easier. Whether you’re playing with a male couple (which is hot!) or two guys you know, they guys will generally both pay attention to you because you’re the new shiny thing. This is an AWESOME thing. Plus I just haven’t had the same delicate jealousy issues.

If your boyfriend is involved and it’s your first time, offer to give him a blow job while the other guy licks you or fucks you- a big reason for this is to take the pressure off your bf, in case he gets nervous and has a hard time getting an erection. This little amount of care can make a potential bad experience into a triumph, and he never needs to know why you did it. Plus, you can always ask them to switch places- I do this if one guy is better endowed than the other, so guy 1 can get me a little more warmed up!

Usually, everyone can part ways and be casual afterwards, or snuggle, and it’s not a big deal either way. Guys can do this sort of thing once or multiple times and not turn it into a commitment, in general. IN GENERAL. That is not a substitute for communicating with the boys involved though, ok?

GGG- If you’re lucky enough to know 2 girls who enjoy group play casually, then this can be a blast. Maybe you go to all girl play parties, or are involved with a queer crowd- I know my experiences have started with those kinds of places.

I highly recommend not playing with a couple or close friends, however, unless you REALLY know them and, preferably, have seen them during threesomes before. Be wary of all the things I told you about GGB threesomes, and now, double it.

That said though, there’s something really fantastic about an all-girl threesome. There’s a rhythm that happens when women play, at least in my experience, and the way that women playing together ebb and flow is incredibly sexy.

Where Three?

So, positions. This is really fucking important, people. If you want to avoid someone feeling jealous and left out, having an idea of positions that are doable on your bed (queen or bigger, please) is a big plus. I personally prefer to keep things going in such a way that no one feels left out- sitting on a guys face as the other girl rides his cock and we make out, say, or the classic spit roast (whether with silicone or flesh cocks), or the train-style fuck, where the person in the middle penetrates and gets penetrated. Yum! But generally, yeah, try to keep all three actively sexually involved. None of that “oh, I’ll just watch and wank” stuff unless they really are into that. I’ve given up trying to get between my lover and the new shiny thing and said I’ll just masturbate, even though I actually feel left out. So pay attention. This is what sex toys are for! Consider a liberator wedge, for example, or a double dildo, as a couple possible ways to help this bit along and open more further possibilities.

Extra Suggestions-

Negotiate Everything. Safer sex guidelines, who likes what kind of play, if you’ll cuddle after or split up. It’s important to tell your partners if you tend to cling, because that can make something fun into something rough if they aren’t taking it as seriously as you. It’s also important to emphasize that it’s casual if it is. You never know who’ll end up feeling heartbroken after. Negotiation = fun, every time!

Also, on safer sex- double check what everyone feels comfortable with safer sex wise, what they use with other lovers, when they last got tested. You might be ok with barebacking your long term boyfriend but not the new guy. This is important to bring up. Also, please refer to my blog about being sex positive when the object of your affections has a positive STI result. And remember- they might not be telling you the truth, so assume they have HPV or herpes, at least, and judge your risks from there.

Power Dynamics. These can tend to make threesomes easier, in my opinion. You pick the odd person out (the third wheel, if there’s a couple, or the new person who hasn’t done this before, if three acquaintances, or the least comfortable person) and the other two lavish that one with attention. Having someone in bondage can help, or having one person top the other two. Again, negotiate, and be honest about how much experience you’ve had with this sort of play- it CAN make things easier and more fun, but it can also blow up in your face if you don’t know that someone is a rape survivor, or that someone hates being submissive. Personally, I enjoy telling my boyfriend and the third person what to do for my entertainment- by being the bitch in charge, I feel comfortable with how far things how and how quickly. Always have a safeword, and when the safeword’s spoken, it’s stop time.

Strangers or Friends? It’s a toss up whether it’s better to play with people you know and trust or strangers. Some of my best threesomes have been with strangers, and sucky ones with people I care about- I had a relationship fall apart because I didn’t trust my boyfriend as much as I thought I did before we had a threesome. I’ve also had relationships blossom with couples, much to our surprise. I’ve also had strangers become stalker-like, or fallen for someone I had sex with and felt miserable after. Like I said, be honest with yourself and those playing with you. And if you’re playing with friends, understand that something may end up happening and bruising your friendship. Did I mention negotiating? Do that. Also, consider making a plan to do something normalizing afterward, if you’re doing it with someone you expect to see again, like going to dinner a day or two later or seeing a movie. If it’s awkward, better to discuss it sooner rather than let it fester. And if it wasn’t, then the sooner you compare notes, the sooner it can happen again!

Consider a Sex Worker. Note: as much as I hate it, sex work is illegal in the US, so you may need to wait on this til you’re in Amsterdam or the UK or any number of places with more sensible prostitution laws than here. But, why not pay for your third? Not only will a quality sex worker be pretty likely to stay up to date on their sexual health and safety, they’ll have some experience making threesomes fun for everyone involved already. It can make it easier and safer emotionally for a couple to explore this sort of play if they don’t have to worry about #3 calling at all hours. You might learn some new techniques, too!

Boundaries. Some people consider “their bed” sacred, not for that sort of play, and a hotel might better suit- others don’t care. I love doing threesomes at parties, because parties have a finite end point, and it creates a container for the play that I can then leave afterward with my primary. That might make it feel more comfortable. Also, talk about who buys the safer sex supplies? Will drinking or substance use be involved? Remember that while I am not a n00b to combining threesomes with some substances, people under the influence cannot legally consent. Know your boundaries, and your lovers boundaries!

Take Care of Yourself. If you’re the couple, it helps to spend some time afterwards just the two of you, doing something sweet together and reconnecting. If you’re the odd girl out, it helps to hang out with friends after, or do something frivolous and fun- helps to lighten the intensity and makes you feel a little less lonely if that happens to you. Always have this planned BEFORE the threesome, so you aren’t disappointed by your friends being busy. It can be a great rush followed by an intense fall, emotionally, so make sure to take care of yourself.

This all might sound like a crazy amount of information for someone just looking to get a little threesome nookie. However, these tips are here to give you the benefit of my many, many threesome experiences- when it goes well, it can be incredibly fun- extra tongues, extra fingers, extra hotness and something new can make a sexual experience boil over with sexy. Some of the most mind-blowing sex I’ve had has been with couples or with a third- it can be playful and fun, and treat it right, you can have that fun over and over again. You can also read more about threesomes with the Threesome Handbook.

So go forth, my lovelies. You have two hands, why not have someone benefiting from each of them?

Read more from Kitty Stryker at her blog "Purrversatility"  

http://purrversatility.blogspot.com/  - Currently the musings of a fat, queer, Californian sex worker in and out of London. It's a collection of sorts- sex tips, sex blunders, smutty stories, sexy pictures, thoughts on politics, gender, identity, psychology and of course how to get cat hair off your sexy outfit when you have a half hour before your appointment-in no particular order!